I graduated from high school this year. During the year I applied to four colleges; Pratt, Parsons, Hofstra, and Hallmark. I got into all of them. Before I had even received my acceptances I knew I wanted to go to Parsons more than anything. I had been dreaming of going to college in New York City my entire life and it was a perfect school for studying photography. Once I found out I got in I immediately got invested emotionally. I told everyone who would listen, teacher bought me cakes; it was a really big deal. It’s $63,000 a year and when I told my mother I got in she said we;d figure it out. Come June, after I had graduated, my parents sat me down and said that they would not co-sign a loan for me to attend the school. I was more than devastated, especially since it was so late. I had no idea what i was possibly going to do so during that month of limbo my “best friend” came up from texas like she does every summer for the past five years of our friend ship. Long story short the friendship went to absolute shit and I lost my longest and best friend. At this point I was living with my father and wouldn’t even speak to my mother (I even called her an insensitive bitch to her face). My long-term boy friend recommended I go to a counselor to help me figure out what I was going to do about my future (by now the depression was weighing on me and my relationship with him was starting to feel it). I went and she recommended me SUNY Purchase. I could apply before August 1 and if I got in I could attend this fall. I immediately applied and felt some hope. weeks passed and still no response and my boyfriend was getting ready to leave for college (left 3 days ago) for University of Utah (we live in New Hampshire) we decided two days before he left that we would not keep the title of a relationship, but we wouldn’t close the book on us. It was actually one of the hardest conversations of my life and I didn’t even do most of the talking. The day came for him to leave and it was actually painful to say good bye, he was my favorite person, he still is. Today (two days after he left) my mother asked if we could meet up we had hardly seen each other all summer and thought I was resentful still, I said yes. We started talking about SUNY and she said she got a letter from them. We went back to her place and she handed me a small envelope, I knew right away what it would say. I was rejected. It cut like a knife. I could actually feel the heaviness on my chest and I immediately started to ball my eyes out. She started to cry too. All my life I’ve dreamt about getting out of NH and finally doing exactly what wanted to do… and as luck would have it, my last hope literally rejected me. Now I sit here, tears streaming down my face, absolutely miserable. I’ve never been less okay in my entire life. It’s all too much at once and I am not handling any of this well. My poor friends try desperately to cheer me up, but bottom line, I am extremely unhappy and now I have no idea what to do with this unplanned year of my life while I set my dreams on hold and just try to “deal” with it all, and i’m staring to really question whether or not I can.
I need to leave. I just want to drop off of the face of the earth for a while